


The un-town

by Unaflor



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Clustin, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Lots of characters are mentioned, M/M, Rehabilitation, post 2x13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 14:10:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14812874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unaflor/pseuds/Unaflor
Summary: Justin could build up a town with all his untold secrets.





	The un-town

**Author's Note:**

> Second season spoilers. Like big ones. If you haven't finished watching yet, go back! Hurry up, boo! Major spoilers are coming to get you!
> 
> Also: Tyler deserves SO much better. And so does everyone else. That's why in here, none of what happens to Tyler actually happens.

**MAY**

Clay is not sure when having Justin around started to feel so real. He had the idea as soon as the word _adoption_ came out of his parents’ mouths of how permanent, irrevocable it sounded. And yet, that was not a good enough reason to say no.

During the first weeks it was just fine. Better than it was before, actually, because now Clay didn't hate Justin as he used to and it wasn’t as much as bringing an enemy home as it was welcoming back a friend who could use the help. It was still really hard, though. All of a sudden they were sharing it all: common spaces, food, sometimes clothes.

Then it became too much. And yet, Clay can't really place exactly when. Perhaps when it was obvious Justin would make his parents happy in a way Clay wasn't sure he could.

But to be honest, Clay has to admit there are some better days than others. On the good days Justin comes to him to discuss a new comic book theory or agrees to go with one of his parents to do the shopping so Clay doesn't have to do it. The bad ones include Clay holding the empty Tupperware he just got from the fridge when he was looking for the pizza leftovers he has been craving the whole day. Or coming back from somewhere else to find his parents spending some family time with Justin.

Controlling his jealousy is a work in progress, he guesses.

And still, Clay knows none of those changes he had to go through are even half of the things Justin had to get adapted to. Still has to get adapted to, thinks Clay, since he seems unable to remember he is now part of a family that cares for him. Perhaps because he never had one before.

Every now and then Justin comes home late at night, when Clay’s parents have already gone out twice to look for him in the car, or forgets to reply text messages or to answer phone calls letting the Jenkin know yeah, he is fine, no, he's not coming back for dinner.

Clay doesn't resent Justin having a life where Clay himself is not included as much as he resents thinking Justin will keep forgetting to let people know he's alright because he can't understand why anyone would care. And they do, the three of them do.

The worst part is when he finally gets back, because then he realises he made a mistake and his face it's so easy to read, Clay just can't take it. It's that same face he put when Jessica told him she wished he was dead. That stupid I-know, I-should-be-used-to-it-by-now face Clay wants to forget so badly, because it goes to bed with him, it stays under the lids of his eyes, hiding in a dark place inside of his own face. And there's also that look of surprise in Justin's eyes. That same one that looks like the word 'unexpected’ would look like if it was a person, the one that always makes it terribly hard for Clay to swallow or to breath. It always turns his throat into a hard stone. And somehow it seems to get inside of Clay’s body, somewhere in his chest, where those stupid sad eyes cold everything down and have Clay needing to scream because it's bloody painful and upsetting and he has no idea of what he's supposed to do with such  a feeling.

He doesn't scream, anyway. He goes back to his room, where he can lie in bed and barely hear his mum saying in a tired yet warm way “We’ve talk about this a million times already, Justin”, that makes Clay feel he will throw up at any moment now.

When Justin's back in the room, Clay expects him to complain or  to say anything other than what he actually says: “I’m sorry for worrying your folks. I didn't think…”

“And me, you asshole” says Clay despite the fact he’s actually trying to say something like 'you _never_ think’, that would make Justin laugh or snort or whatever, but most importantly, would take that awful look away.

“What?”

With a weariness that surprises himself a little bit, Clay says “You worry me as well”. He sounds harder than he’s meant to, and he won't turn around to face Justin, because he’s scared he will find him crying, and by now, Clay knows better than to witness it and try to say something probably cheesy or idiotic. More than likely both. “But don't think about it too much” he adds softly. “Just text someone next time”

After that Justin pretends he needs to go for a shower and Clay pretends he doesn't know Justin just needs some time alone, and also pretends he doesn't regret being hard on Justin, and so they keep going.

By the time Justin’s back from the shower there’s a reheated plate of pasta with meatballs waiting for him on the bed, lots of cheese on top. Clay’s not sure if that’s how Justin eats it, but he knows he wouldn’t eat it any other way and he wouldn’t trust anyone who'd eat pasta without cheese.

As far as Clay is concerned, things go back to normal after that, which just means Justin’s telling jokes with his mouth full of pasta and kicking Clay as soon as he approaches Justin to steal his last meatball from him.

He doesn't know better. Clay. But it's not his fault if Justin is just a very well trained pretender who's used to deal with his own problems and his own feelings in his own terms.

By now, Justin could build up a town with all his untold secrets. A pretty town with two-floored houses and gardens and dogs, and he keeps finding new ones to make flowers or cars or bakeries out of them. He's made his peace with it.

 

**JUNE**

  
The day Clay finds out about the heroin is a shit day from the very beginning. One of those terribly hot days you can’t take any more clothes off and yet you feel like you're still wearing too much. One of the first hot days this year, and Clay truly hates going out on days like this one, but he has to because he promised his dad he was going to do the shopping for him. One of those days everything goes wrong.

Going through the aisles crossing down stuff from his list takes him ages, but at least the air-con is on and he enjoys feeling chilly near the diary section. Or he does until he bumps into Montgomery. After that, Clay finds himself being chased by Montgomery for some reason he's missing. Not that people like Montgomery ever needed a reason to chase people like Clay, but still. The chasing keeps going for a whole minute with Montgomery calling Clay all sorts of names when there’s no employees looking until Clay decides there's nowhere to hide and so he just turns around and waits for Montgomery to stand in front of him.

“In a hurry to get back to your boyfriend, Jensen?”

Clay doesn't know what Montgomery means until he does and then all he can do is frown and try not to actually say _oh_ aloud. He opens and closes his mouth.

“Brother, actually” he finally says just to realise how stupid it actually was to say that of all things he could've said.

“Is that why he needs to get high all the time?”

“He is not. Anyway, what do you want?”

“C’mon, Jensen. Wait. You really don't know, do you?” And he just stops to laugh in a stupid, mean way Clay thinks must have been rehearsed for a long time. With certainty in front of a mirror. “It seems your boyfriend has a little secret”.

“Whatever you say. You're a liar, Montgomery”

"You sure about that? Find it out for yourself, then”

And he does. He doesn't mean to. He tells himself over and over again he trusts Justin. And he is hard on himself for letting someone like Montgomery make him doubt his friends, but then his dad comes in letting him know the washing machine is ready and Clay just takes Justin's clothes with his own. It's always during the washing, he thinks when he feels the needles. And he feels furious and exasperated, and he wants to break something, anything at all, starting with Justin's stupid face. Instead he just sits down and watches the needles and thinks of that time he and Hannah… But of course that was different.

He wish he’d known what Jeff would say in the same situation. The right thing, probably, if there's one at all.

Clay is not like Jeff. He doesn't know what to say, he never does. And sometimes he doesn't say anything at all and that's worse. Anyone who doesn't believe that should ask Hannah Baker.

He also thinks about the last time, when he was taking it hard on Justin and Alex was there to stop him. Who's here now if not just himself?

When Justin comes back home the washing machine is finishing its job, Clay is just pretending to read something while lying in his bed and the needles were left on Justin's bed for him to see them as soon as he enters the room. And so he does. Justin looks at it and he feels embarrassed and exposed and he wants to say something probably stupid, maybe an excuse or an insult. He doesn't say anything, though. He just sits on the bed and holds his face with both his hands and his elbows on his legs.

His town of secrets is wrecking street by street, house by house, flower by flower. Or maybe that's just himself.

More than ashamed, more than vulnerable, Justin feels sad Clay had to find out. Because now there’s no coming back from it, and the way Clay used to make Justin feel like he was actually proud of Justin’s recovery just makes everything worse. This time he should really get ready to pack his stuff and leave. He always knew it would come the day he would go through the front door for good, he just didn’t expected it to be when he was actually starting to believe there was a chance for him to stay, to truly stay in a place where he was wanted to be, no conditions, no requests. No checking out date.

“Why didn't you say anything?” asks Clay. He sounds so disappointed Justin wants to run away. And yet he stays, because Clay deserves the chance to tell him he is a fucking idiot and adopting him was the biggest mistake the Jensen ever made as a family.

There's no longer that need of punching Justin's face or telling him he's a goddamn idiot, even though he still is. There's just this very hurt tone Justin would swap for Clay's anger any day of the week.

“What was I supposed to say?” asks Justin. It sounds so much like laughter and a cry and loneliness that Clay just wants to slap his own face, and yet he replies:

“Clay, I need your help. Clay, I’m spending money on drugs again. Clay, I'm using the drugs I bought. Clay, I'm a jerk and an asshole”

He has to hide his face behind the book to say it, though.

“Clay, I need your help. Clay…” repeats Justin. He's staring at his feet and looks like he needs to get higher than high, and all of it is so much for Clay to handle that he has to throw the book he is not reading at Justin’s face, knowing he’ll dodge it easily anyway.

The way Justin looks at him after it makes it worth it. It's not that empty, broken look that implies he's about to pack all his things up and leave the house for good, it's more of a surprised look disrupting the pain, the loneliness, the regrets.

“You’re a jerk” says Clay, sitting in the bed so he can face Justin, because now he's feeling braver than brave and so he keeps going on that rollercoaster of braveness appeared from nowhere: “and you are not alone anymore. Stop behaving like you are. You don't have to do it on your own” but what he means is _I'm right here_. And he doesn't think is the best moment to do it, he doesn't even think there's a good moment to do it at all, but all the same he gets a little bit closer and kisses Justin in a furious way, all mouth opened and tongues fighting each other. Justin seems confused at the beginning, but then he just accepts the kiss and gives something back in a way that's sweet and warm, both unused in a very long time and brand new.

“Don't you get tired? Of doing always the right thing” asks Justin. His forehead is resting on Clay’s, who has his eyes closed. He sounds like he’s ready to give up (although, Clay's not sure exactly what Justin is actually giving up to).

“What else is there to do?”

 

**AUGUST**

Some days are better than others. The cleaning process comes as hard as it can be. Not that Clay is well informed about drug-desintoxication, but he’s absolutely convinced it can’t get rougher than this.

And with it, the lies come back. But this time, Justin and Clay are on the same side of the truth, and Clay’s fine with it. The lies are for his parents. They needed to explain more or less satisfactorily why Justin was sick and why he was sick for so long, and it needed to be a lie Clay’s parents would believe. So they came up with the flu, which turned out to be a shit lie.  
  
Clay’s mom did not ask questions, though. She just kept bringing Gatorade every day and the morning pancakes were suddenly  replaced for rich-in-vitamin-C juices Clay had to add sugar to, and lots of fruit nobody was truly happy about. Specially Justin. But he wasn’t happy about anything, really, so that was not saying much.

It’s not like Clay doesn’t understand. And he tries to play it nice, but Justin gets moody at everything. Alex says it’s normal. Tony tells him to be patient. Sheri offers to baby-sit again for as long as needed. Zach doesn’t know what to do, but still comes by without asking and Clay lets him in because he seems to be used to deal with grumpy kids going through hard times. Somehow even Tyler finds out and gives Clay lots of Doritos bags promising not to mention it to anyone. The Doritos come with a movie that “has the best photography design  ever”. None of them is awake by the time the movie’s finished.

Sometimes their friend’s help works, sometimes it doesn’t and sometimes Clay has to deal with those things no one else can help him with. Like when he wakes up with Justin talking in his sleep, flinching until Clay gently shakes him awake. Those nights Justin is always covered in sweat and Clay just stays up with him until he falls asleep again. Justin’s not in a bad mood then. He just looks miserable, his skin paler, his eyes brighter and made of the bluest blue. Even in the darkness. He looks helpless and Clay knows there is nothing else he could do to help, but he gets frustrated all the same.

At some point he starts running his fingers through Justin’s hair, and Clay thinks Justin would tell him to stop in any other situation but this one.

They never talk during the day about the things they do during the night. During the night Clay is never Jenkin, he’s never a dumbass, he's just gentle, so very kind in a way Justin has never guessed possible while watching him at school and gets him feeling something awkward somewhere between his chest and his back. That's something Justin will never say aloud, to Clay nor to anyone else, so he adds it into the town of secrets he himself is made of.

When the day comes, Justin is his grumpy self again. He complains about almost everything and Clay just deals with it patiently until one time he says

“Do you remember when you asked me to be your date at the ball” in a quiet tone. He isn’t really expecting a reply sincr Justin has his eyes closed and looks finally peaceful and resting. So when he gets one, he is surprised.

“I never did that”

Clay is ready for the silence to take over after that. Apparently, Justin is not. And he is also frowning:

“Why?”

“No special reason” replies Clay. Justin can’t see him since he has his eyes closed and he’s too lazy to open them, but he can still imagine that stupid grin on Clay’s face that always makes him smile a little bit. “Just wanted you to remember that”. Sometimes Clay reminds Justin of Hannah Baker in a way that has nothing to do with sadness, as if he was a living memorial or something.

Justin frowns, then he smiles. When he stands up, he brings his blanket with him, upon his shoulders, like a superhero cape. He does not feel especially strong, though, nor invincible. Clay moves just a little bit to let Justin sit next to him in his own bed, and he gets surrounded by Justin's smell when he gets the blanket around his back as soon as Justin gets closer to kiss him. It’s a lazy kiss and tastes of orange juice.

 

**SEPTEMBER**

“Let’s go for dinner” it’s the first thing Justin says when he wakes up from his nap. It sounds sleepy and not at all like a question. Clay has been stressing a lot about life-after-high-school lately. “You’re inviting. I could do Chinese”  
  
“Why am I always inviting you?” asks Clay. He is not facing Justin, too focus on whatever he is doing on his desk to bother, but all the same Justin can picture him frowning. Justin shrugs, not caring Clay is not actually looking. They are constantly doing things they know the other one is not capable of seeing, and yet it works. Somehow.

Justin is struggling to get out of bed, and when he speaks again his words sound like they are part of the struggle: “This time’s different.”

“What is?”

“Dinner. It’s a date. Cause you haven’t had many and I really could go for Chinese” when he says the last bit he is already laughing because by now he has been living with Clay for awhile and he knows Clay will find that kind of statement both outrageous and funny.

“So _you_ want food and since you want _me_ to pay for it, you’re making it sound like _you_ are treating _me_?”

“This is flirting 101 for you. And I hope you’re taking notes. Now, get dressed. I never go out with people who spend less than two hours getting ready”.

Clay doesn't know how this insane offer works, but it does. It probably has everything to do with Justin’s shining smile Clay won’t ever get tired of. He even agrees (to a certain point) to the getting dressed part of it, with Justin picking Clay’s clothes for him from the bed, while Clay gives him options and tries not to throw everything he’s holding to Justin out of exasperation. He ends up wearing his usual trousers and the first t-shirt he showed Justin.

It doesn’t take more than five minutes for Justin to get ready. And he would never confess he is nervous, but he is, even if it was his own idea to do this.

They take the car and Justin is the one driving because he got the keys first, even though he insists the true reason is he is a better driver. There they talk about all sort of things, like college and school parties coming soon. When the future feels too heavy Justin changes the subject and so he says playfully he could teach Justin how to play some of the sports he likes, because he knows what kind of answer he is going to get. That makes the rest of the journey to the restaurant easier, lighter.

It’s good to see no familiar faces inside. Still, they get a far-away table and even if they’ve done this plenty of times before, now Justin's called it a date and it's a little bit weird. Suddenly they don't know what to talk about. Comic books don't seem appropriate anymore.

They choose their food in silence. Dates are not an unknown territory for Justin, but knowing it is for Clay makes him want to make it a good one, even if it's lame from the very beginning. Now he regrets all of it: the way he asked, the fact that he didn't bring any money, and the place he’d chosen.

Thinking about it he realized he made all the wrong decisions and if he has to be honest (and that would be a first), he has to admit it’ll be easier to blame the almost expectable failure of the date on those terrible choices instead of considering he is just not good enough for Clay.

He has to say something before it gets too awkward.

“I never thanked you for...well, you know. The domestic rehab”

Clay nods, staring at the fork in his hand as if he’s never seen one before. When he speaks, he looks straight in Justin’s eyes in a way that is both strong and vulnerable and resembles a shield “I meant it when I said you don’t need to go through anything alone”. Now is Justin who nods.

There’s so much they would like to tell each other, thinks Justin. Someday, he promises himself (and more than himself), he’ll tell Clay what was his life before the Jenkin. So he'll actually know what they've done for him. He’ll show Clay all his raw bits and sharp edges and he’ll hope Clay can still like him. Not tonight, not tomorrow. But someday. And when that moment comes, he expects he’ll be telling a story, not a secret.

A secret he can give away tonight is this one:

“I don't want to screw up this dinner. Not because I never screwed up a date before, but because I like you”.

It’ll take time, but Justin believes he can let his secrets go one by one, undoing every neighbourhood, every building, every decorative detail, until there’s nothing left but an un-town. He trusts Clay Jensen this much. 

“I don't have much to compare it to, so…” replies Clay. He is frowning a little bit. Then suddenly his expression warms up and he says “I like you too. Even though you snore”. He is laughing before Justin gets to deny it and everything between them feels like it’s getting into the right place again.

Justin lets go the last brick of his town and says in the same way someone would tell a secret:

“No more secrets”.

**Author's Note:**

> Since I was actually excited to show you guys this silly thing I've been trying to write for ages and ended up writing yesterday night, I bet there are lots of mistakes. Like. LOTS. And all sorts of them. If you find any I haven't seen yet, please let me know. 
> 
> Again, my English is not the best. So please be kind?
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it and cheers for reading!


End file.
